Be Someone

Death is an interesting thing.

Today, I could be celebrating my Mom's 61st birthday with her.

I could have spent the last twelve years making memories with her and laughing with her, instead of visiting her grave only to wonder what those memories would have been.

I could have saw her in the crowd when I graduated high school and then when I went on to graduate from college.

I could have had her by my side when I was planning my wedding*

I could have those fun shopping trips that mothers and daughters have together

I could actually see how beautiful she is today, instead of wondering what she would look like, or what she would wear, or what she would want to do for her birthday.

I also could have a completely different life.

If it weren't for her and her death...

I wouldn't have learned how to face extreme hardships at such a young age.

I wouldn't have learned how to become that strong, confident woman on my own.

I wouldn't have completely blossomed in college into a new, independent woman.

I wouldn't have the caring, sympathetic attitude towards others that I do now.

I wouldn't have been able to help my friends/other family who were dealing with a loss.
I wouldn't have formed a special, unique bond with my Dad.
I wouldn't have her journals that always seem to teach me a new lesson each time I read them.

I wouldn't get those *heart pumping moments* when strangers (to me) stop in my office to tell me how my mother impacted their life.

Maybe I wouldn't have this feeling, that I do now, that my life and the path I've taken is exactly where it should be. 

My point is this...there are too many I could have this or I could have got to experience that. I could have had it so much easier, yes, but would have it been worth it? I would give anything to have her here still, but I can't help but think of all the amazing things she has taught me. Today, for her birthday, I think my Mom would want me to focus on what I do have. Which is a heck of a lot more than I had twelve years ago when I thought my world was over. I know she would be proud.

"All this time I was finding myself

and I didn't know I was lost"

Happy Birthday, Mom! I love you.

*and besides, most of those "could have" moments above? I know she was right there with me, the whole time, pushing me through.