A Heavy Heart - June 2, 2001

Today I have a very heavy heart. I know that I typically write about happy topics and that is what everyone enjoys reading, but I made a little promise with myself that I would always stay true and remember why I first started this blog. With that being said, I want to be able to share not only my ups, but my downs as well.

10 years ago today my world was turned upside down when my Mom passed away after a 13 year battle with Breast Cancer. It's hard for me to believe it's been 10 years since I've seen her, touched her, heard her speak. Some days it feels like yesterday and other days it feels like I haven't seen her in much longer than that and it scares me that I will lose some of my memories of her. When she passed away I was lost, confused, angry, and really couldn't concentrate on anything other than why this had to happen. Being a typical 16-year-old teenager in high school, I was angry and couldn't figure out for the life of me why it had to happen to me. WHY me? Why MY Mom? I regretted not spending enough time with her {I admit I still do}, and felt ashamed with myself for years after her death about my teenage-bratty actions.

I've said it before but my Mom really was the most amazing person I've ever met. She loved my father and I whole-heartedly and never complained about the cards she was dealt. She was the most amazing mom any girl could ever ask for. She did her best to make it to all of my soccer games and swim meets even when she wasn't feeling well. She was an allstar like that. She was positive, funny, warm, caring, and had a heart of gold. She would scratch my back (even if I should have been scratching HERS) until I would fall asleep every single night because she knew it was my favorite thing. Everyone loved her...she had no enemies. I can't tell you how many messages from friends, family, and even just acquaintances that knew her who STILL rave about the person she was and how much she is missed. That is incredible to me and means so much to me. She truly was a legacy.

Today I look back 10 years and can't help but see how much I've grown and I know she's had everything to do with it. If you were to ask me 10 years ago if I would have thought my mom would still be with me today and teaching me new things everyday, I would have probably said "No, how could she? She's not here with me." But I would have been so wrong. In the past 10 years, my mom has taught me to be a better, stronger person and that it's OK to wear your heart on your sleeve. She's shown me how to love others and to always look at the bright side of every situation. There have been multiple situations in the past 10 years where I just know in my heart that SHE orchestrated them for me -it helps me to believe that there are no coincidences, just planned events and she's a big part of them. While I love my life and where I'm at today, my heart still aches that she isn't here. I'm not sure if losing her will ever get easier, but I have faith in knowing that everything happens for a reason and that she is here with me today hugging me.

Due to the fact that I'm holding back tears as I type, I'm going to bring this to a close. Tonight we are having a little memorial for her at the cemetery where she is buried. Her sisters, brother, my Dad and Judy, and Billy and I are all getting together to plant a Butterfly bush next to her grave. Butterflies were her favorite. Some of us are bringing flowers as well and then we are all getting dinner together afterwards. It will be a great way to remember her and keep her close to our hearts.

*I love you Mom and miss you more than words can say..today I celebrate you. being your daughter. I still feel so lucky.  

I realized after I wrote this post that in this last picture she is wearing a butterfly vest..couldn't be more appropriate. Crazy how some things turn out, right? :)

*Maybe they are not stars in the sky, but openings for loved ones to shine down and let us know that they are happy.

xo. Katie
...I promise to share Florida pictures soon!